Meet Shelley
Coaching
Retreat | Sashwa
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- Uncomplicated Love
  
  A Step by Step Guide to Building a Thriving Relationship
  
  “This is cutting edge relationship intelligence mixed with a firm guiding hand, Shelley Lewin is a master of change” – Sarah Bullen, author of Love and Above
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Meet Shelley
Coaching
Retreat | Sashwa
My Book
Media & Press
Contact

Marriage Guidance

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Uncomplicated Love
– A Step by Step Guide to Building a Thriving Relationship
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I have one son and one little girl - a very little

I have one son and one little girl - a very little female fur baby. She was a small chocolate Burmese we named Cocoa, but she soon became affectionately known in our family as the Bean, or Beanie.

She was a source of joy to us for 13 years, 10 months and 10 days.

My heart is sore, and I am deeply saddened to share that we have had to lay her to rest after her little body finally gave up on her. Following a diagnosis of intestinal lymphoma, the vet explained that this was the most compassionate thing we could do, as she would otherwise have died from a heart attack or dehydration.

Her little presence is going to leave a very big void in our lives. We will have to adjust to one breath missing from our family. 💔

I am sharing a few of my favourite moments with my precious little girl.

What if the issue in your relationship is not a la

What if the issue in your relationship is not a lack of love but a lack of skill?
We seem to understand this everywhere except in our intimate relationships.

We don’t expect to become excellent athletes, leaders, parents or musicians simply because we care deeply. We expect to learn, practise, make mistakes, receive feedback and improve.

Yet in love, we often expect ourselves (and our partners) to instinctively know how to communicate well, manage conflict effectively, repair hurt, regulate their emotions and work as a team.

And when we don’t know how, we can interpret the struggle as incompatibility, indifference or failure.

But relationship competencies are learned behaviours.
First comes awareness: I can see what I am doing.
Then choice: I can decide what I want to do differently.
Then practice: I try a new response, even when the old reaction feels more natural.
And eventually, mastery: the healthier response becomes part of who I am.

There is no shame in having an area of development. The real question is whether we are willing to take responsibility for it.

We can encourage one another. We can support one another. We can grow alongside one another.
But we cannot do each other’s training!!!
You are looking for a partner in life, not a project for life.

So, I’m thinking aloud…

What relationship skill are you currently practising, not merely expecting yourself or your partner to already have?

The carousel is From my book 📖 Uncomplicated Love, pages 268–269.

#UncomplicatedLove #RelationshipSkills #ConsciousRelationships #HealthyRelationships

I created this little framework with 5 columns on

I created this little framework with 5 columns on a page to talk through the idea of stimulus and response with my clients. The first four columns represented a typical loop that we move through - from our Expectations, to the actual Reality, to the Story we tell ourselves and then the Emotional reaction we have when reality and expectations are different. Between the forth and fifth column was a big gap that represented our nervous system which opens up the option of Choice in how we respond.

I took a photo of my scribble and gave it to GPT asking it for a visual representation and it came up with this image! I am so impressed!!!

The space between represents what happens to us and what we do next.

That space is rarely empty.
A partner disappoints us.
A colleague challenges us.
Someone’s tone changes.
Almost instantly, an internal sequence begins:

Expectation.
Reality.
Story.
Reaction.

“This shouldn’t be happening.”
“They don’t respect me.”
“I’m not important.”
“I need to defend myself.”

By the time we react, we may believe we are responding to what happened.

Often, we are responding to the meaning we gave it.

This is where the work of healthy relationships begins. Not by suppressing the reaction.
Not by pretending we are unaffected. But by creating enough space to:

Notice what is happening.
Breathe before acting.
Regulate the nervous system.
Question the story.
Navigate our emotions with agility.
Choose who we want to be next.

The space between reaction and response is not merely something we find.
It is something we learn to build. And with practice, choice becomes skill, and skill changes our impact.

We may not choose the trigger.
We can learn to choose what happens next.
Where in this sequence do you most often lose your freedom to choose?

p.s. The second picture is not AI generated, it’s my own photo from my local beach in Cape Town- Muizenburg.

You know that invisible list you keep? The times

You know that invisible list you keep?

The times you initiated.
The things you remembered.
The effort you made.
The apology that never came.

And somewhere in the background, you begin counting.

I did this.
You didn’t do that.
It’s your turn now.

Love slowly becomes an accounting system instead of a partnership.

Gottman’s research shows how unresolved hurts can accumulate until we begin seeing even ordinary moments through a negative filter. Resentment can quietly erode a relationship from within

The smallest thing irritates us.
We assume the worst.
We stop asking questions.
And eventually, we stop trying to repair.

Resentment isn’t something to suppress.

It’s information.

It may be telling us that something important hasn’t been acknowledged, understood or repaired.

So perhaps the question isn’t:

“Who owes whom?”

But:

“What has been happening between us and what needs our attention?”
If you want to get to the bottom of your resentment, a useful starting point would be to read my book Uncomplicated Love. The book has questions for reflection at the end of each chapter, it will reveal to you how to stop the rot happening in your relationship and how to build a thriving relationship.
Buy your copy from the link 🔗 in my bio

What if the problem isn’t you... or your partner?

What if the problem isn’t you... or your partner?

One of the biggest shifts I’ve ever witnessed in couples happens when they stop asking,

“Who’s wrong?”

and start asking,

“What’s happening between us?”

Most couples only see two people in the relationship.

I see three.

You.
Your partner.
And the invisible relationship you create together. The third entity.

Instead of,
“You’re controlling.”
or
“You’re emotionally unavailable.”

Using language for this relationship helps couples recognise the pattern they’ve created together.

The conversation changes from blame...
to curiosity.

And that’s where growth begins.

I’ve found the @aephoria_group Couples Report to be one of the most powerful tools for helping couples see the ecosystem they’re creating together instead of getting stuck defending themselves.

Because when you can name the pattern...

you no longer have to keep repeating it.

❤️ Have you ever noticed yourself blaming your partner, only to realise later it was the pattern between you that needed attention?

We are taught how to do our jobs. How to play spor

We are taught how to do our jobs.
How to play sport.
How to lead teams.

But very few of us are taught how to be a partner. There were no classes on partnership at my school!

Condition 5 is the understanding that love, on its own, is not enough. A thriving relationship also asks for skills : trustworthiness, communication, accountability and the ability to think beyond me towards us.

Perhaps the better question isn’t, “What should my partner be doing?”

It is, “What kind of partner am I practising becoming?”

Because partnership isn’t something we either have or don’t have. It is something we can learn.

This is an extract from Uncomplicated Love. Buy your copy from the link 🔗 in my bio on online

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