Shopping for a partner?
Relationship oriented dating (as opposed to booty call/ recreational/ casual/ short-term dating) is essentially the same process as interviewing candidates for a job placement.
Executive Job Placements:
If you owned a successful business and the position for managing director/CEO became available, you would be very careful and clear about the criteria required for a suitable applicant. You wouldn’t worry if you were being ‘too fussy’ especially if the position available held loads of value for the final candidate.
There would be a very specific skill set, expertise and criteria that would help you to discern who you are willing to interview. The first screening of CV’s would eliminate people who did not hold the basic requirements. And, only you know what those requirements are because the job description, duties, roles and responsibilities are designed by you.
The second level screening might be an email to make sure this person is literate, can write in full sentences and possesses enough intelligence/respect/decency to use spell check. Third level screening might entail a telephone call to see how this person communicates, how eloquently he/she expresses him/herself as well as their capacity to answer basic questions.
Before face to face interviewing happens, there has already been some strategic and intentional sifting to make sure the candidates in the room have some serious potential. And that is just the beginning. The real work begins as you narrow down the short-list over a series of interviews and experiential tests to make sure the person is who they say they are and that you can collaborate well with them.
That’s how it works. We understand that and if we want a great job we work hard at our professional development to ensure we are career ready. It is what it is. It works the other way around too. The greater the position, the better chance we have of attracting quality, committed, successful people applying for the job.
Back to dating.
Life Partner Placements:
Interviewing candidates applying for the position of ‘Life Partner’ is the same thing. As with job searching, it’s easier to find a potential candidate when you cast the net wide and have a larger pool of people to select from. Online dating websites are your recruitment agents. But as with all recruitment agents, they have a vast range of quality applicants. It’s your job to assess correctly whether someone holds potential or not. It is their job to send you CV’s. Unless you are clear about what you are looking for and with whom YOU can collaborate well, it is unlikely you will find the best match for the job. You are looking to become a team FOR LIFE with many projects like buying a home, having a child, raising a family, supporting each other through illness, job loss, death in the family etc. What do you imagine the qualities one would need to be able to do that?
Make the position you are offering attractive enough for quality applicants:
Men are visual and fall in love through their eyes. Women who have beauty, brains, an attractive body and are balanced emotionally and femininely (not wearing the pants all the time) – are the equivalent of a Fortune 500 position. The further away women are from those four things, the less enticing the position appears to men. Males are wired to provide and to protect, they feel their masculinity when women allow them to take charge (of course I am generalizing, but this article is for the large majority). So, if initially a woman has the four B’s (beauty, brains, body and balance) and over time shows she can be supportive, loyal and the sex is pleasurable, he will think he has hit the jack-pot. Independent and strong women are really appreciated IF they allow their men to exhibit their ability to protect and provide- he can’t profess his love to a woman if she does not allow him to feel like a man. Women need to handle a man’s ego and masculinity with great care to win and retain their hearts. To behave like a lady. And men, need to be real men to win the hearts of ladies. Ladies are less concerned with looks and are more interested in marriage minded men who can be a responsible, thoughtful and dependable friend they can rely on when times are tough. No mamas- boys who have the umbilical cord still attached to their over protective mothers. Real men who show their strength with integrity, ethics and a good set of morals- that’s the way to a woman’s heart.
Beware of your blind spots:
The biggest obstacle for men to overcome are their own unrealistic expectations of what they have to offer. Guys suffer from believing they deserve the very best regardless of what they have to offer. It would help to take a look in the mirror. Overweight, unemployed, unhygienic and un-social does not equal value. Do a realistic stock-take with a female friend to figure out if the position for ‘Life Partner’ is a Fortune 500 job or closer to the family run hard work- low reward 24/7 corner café.
Women on the other tend to be overly self-critical and err less on the side of self –delusion but suffer more from absurd expectations about Mr. Perfect. Too many fairytales of princes sweeping princesses off their feet and handsome knights sleighing dragons for their loved ones have generated a few warped ideas of a realistic expectation. Smart, slender and ladylike is not going to get you anywhere if you cannot learn to accept imperfections. Your own and the men in your life.
Get head hunted:
It happens all the time. Outstanding employees get poached and move to better positions because of the value they bring. A top executive who leaves his job often has employment lined up before he has worked his last day. When someone goes above and beyond what is expected, when they under promise and over deliver, when they become a valuable team member of the organization- the word spreads very quickly.
Back to dating.
Are you someone of value? Have you invested in your personal development? How skilled are in relationships and intimacy? Are you a team player? Can people depend on you or are you ‘all about me’? Do you take care of yourself physically? Are you emotionally stable and mentally stimulating? Be someone who is likeable, respectable and trustworthy. Let your reputation precede you. In order to have a quality partner you need to be a quality partner.
That’s how it works. If we want a great partner we need to work hard at our personal development to ensure we are relationship ready. It is what it is. It works the other way around too. The greater the person, the better chance we have of attracting quality, committed, successful people applying for the job of life partner.
Balance your Head and Heart:
Compatibility is the best foundation you can give a relationship. Compatibility is best assessed using your logic/intellect/brain. When the ‘chemistry’ boxes above are all checked and we ‘fall in love,’ emotions are running high. We assume ‘love is enough’. It is not. Love is unconditional but relationships are not. We fall out of love quickly and painfully when we are not well matched in the long-term. We can love people who bring out the best in us and love people who bring out the worst in us. Love is not going to make a marriage work when the wedge of incompatibility has you drowning in resentment. Respect for your differences, shared lifestyles and common values keep marriages together:
How you like to spend your time? (align with someone who respects/appreciates/enjoys similar things)
What do you always have money for? (align with someone who at the very least agrees with that)
What are the things you always have energy for? (align with someone who at the very least respects that)
Who are the people that contribute positively in your life?(align with someone who supports those relationships)
What creates meaning in your life- where do your passions lie? (align with someone who encourages you to live passionately and to follow your dreams)
These are questions your head needs to answer first. You don’t want your heart and mind at war with one another when it comes to choosing a life partner. It’s the biggest position and greatest privilege you can offer another person. Make sure you don’t step into it lightly.
If you need some help with this, inbox me.