Why am I still single?

If you are asking yourSelf this question and are unhappily single after years of searching for ‘the one’ I have this advice to share.

You are probably focusing on the wrong thing!

Stop looking for a date, start looking for a connection.

Stop looking for a person, start looking for a relationship.

Stop looking for love, start looking for a meaningful existence.

So if connection, relationship and a meaningful existence is what you are after, the question you should be asking is ‘How can I go about inviting all that into my life?’

The quote “We live in the world our questions create” points to the fact that sometimes we don’t even know that we are not asking the right questions. And, given the fact that the quality of advice we get in life will be determined by the questions we ask, if we are not asking the right questions, we will not get the best and most helpful advice.

You might think you know all the answers so you don’t even have to ask the questions- you have read all the books, attended all the seminars, observed enough people, collected enough evidence- BUT if your life does not currently illustrate the thing you desire, then you don’t know it enough. Keep learning until your life illustrates you know it.

Keys to success in relationships:

• #1 Start asking the right questions.

The best advice and information can only begin to enter your life when you do. We block our own growth and development in any area when we hold an attitude of ‘I know’.

If you are sick and tired of not getting the results you want, it is a sign you are not asking the right questions. Try asking yourself a new question:

What about me has to change in order to exhibit something different in my life?

You will know when you have found the correct answers to creating connection, passion and intimacy because your life will illustrate that you have.

• #2 Close the gap between the theories in your head and actions from the heart.

Ideas about ‘what to do to attract connection’ lives in our heads. Concepts about ‘how to co-create loving relationships’ exists in our minds. Beliefs about ‘what makes a meaningful existence’ reside in the brain.

In order to have a connection we need to become trustworthy, show kindness, exhibit compassionate behaviour, demonstrate integrity and respond respectfully.

In order to have a quality relationship we need to become a quality partner.

It is by being honest with yourself and then allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another that attraction and desire intensifies.

It is by being true to yourself and creating a life driven by your passions that you have a meaningful existence. When you are happy, love is drawn to you.

“Often people attempt to live their lives backwards. They try to have more things, like more money, in order to do more of what they want, so that they will be happier. The way it works is in the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you really want”*.

Which attitudes and ideas do you currently hold that are not useful for you in attracting connection and relationship in your life? What would be a more useful attitude to have?

• #3 Be someone worthy of the privilege

Deep connections with people and relationships with partners don’t happen by knowing what to do. They are the consequence of being someone worthy of the privilege. Show up as a quality person.

When we start to view relationships as a feedback loop of a trial and error process then we can become ‘solution detectives’ as we notice what works well and what doesn’t. Begin by noticing how you impact on the people around you. How does ‘who you are’ and ‘how you behave’ influence your relationships?  Creating a strong bond can be a challenge because many people have a tendency to do what they are comfortable with/what they believe is ‘right’ rather than doing what actually works.

When you notice ‘who I am right now’ is bringing me closer in connection- do more of that.

When you observe ‘this response elicits more intimacy’ – do more of that.

Who do you think you need to be in order to attract the connection, relationship you desire? In which ways might you need to Re-Invent your Self?

• #4 The ‘WHY’ needs to be big enough

When it comes to effecting change in our lives (regarding anything), there needs to be enough desperation or enough desire present in order to endure the pain and effort of changing.

If what you are currently doing is not working, it is time to do something different. And if that something different requires you to develop and improve in a way that pushes you out of your comfort zone, unless the ‘why’ is big enough, you won’t find a way for the ‘how’. All you will find are excuses.

If you are bored with your excuses, desperate for something different to show up in your life or inspired to manifest your desires, I invite you to take a chance on some coaching with The Relationship Architect.

What do you need to believe about yourSelf before you can accept you are deserving of a meaningful connection and a passionate relationship?

Find out more on www.datingdeliberately.com so that I can help you to ask the right questions in order to develop the connections and relationships you have always desired.

Watch this video from my 24Slides talk on “people pairing” to learn more about finding your best match.

*Excerpted from ‘Creative Visualization’ by Shakti Gawain.